Diana's Story
This is my story it may be a long one please bare with me.
In 2014 I got surprising wonderful news that I was pregnant everything was going great. At the 9week mark I was rushed to hospital and unfortunately was told I was miscarrying. My heart was full of grief and thinking what did I do wrong, why is this happening to me. 3 weeks later I was still throwing up and called my closest tertiary hospital and got seen straight away with maternity outpatients clinic. I then had an urgent ultrasound to see if I required a DNC for the the sonographer had to call the obstetrician and get the scan referral changed to 12week fetal ultrasound.
I was so shocked and confused that my baby was healthy, growing and active. From then on all appointments and scans went great everything was going so well apart from the hyperemesis (severe morning sickness) the whole time. 33weeks had come up fast and as per normal went for my planned ultrasound, the sonographer didn’t give me any details and told me to go straight to the maternity outpatient waiting area. I went there and was told to go get some lunch and come back when I was done(my lunch was at home), off to home I went to eat. I then received a phone call from a midwife asking where I was and I had to be there to see then right now. I raced back to the hospital and was waiting in the assessments room of birth suits. I was so confused and scared of what was happening I hadn't been told anything. In came the head obstetrician and explained they wanted to give me steroid injection incase of early delivery, bubs had slight blood flow restriction and was measuring small they would give me an answer very shortly to if they were going to deliver my baby that night at 33weeks or wait. A couple of hours went by that felt like an eternity. The doctor and midwife came in and told me they wanted to keep bubs in as long as possible aiming for 37weeks with monitoring every 2 days and ultrasounds weekly done by the obstetrician. Every appointment was going well again nothing got worse.
2 weeks later after I had been in the hospital for monitoring (everything was great) I woke up and sat in bed in the middle of the night, then I needed to go to the toilet so I stood up and something came out. I rushed to the toilet in a panic and called the ambulance I was 35weeks along. I was shaking and scared but with what had happened earlier in the pregnancy I thought it will be nothing like before. The ambos told me not to push. I got to the hospital straight into birth suits then the pains hit. I didn’t know what was going on. I was in the full swing of labor. The obstetrician did an ultrasound to see where baby is … the midwife grabbed my hand and the obstetrician looked down and with a lot of sadness they said “I am so sorry his passed, theres no heart beat.” My heart broke into millions of pieces, I felt choked, I felt cheated and started questioning why? How? It cant be true.
A few hours of active labor and I delivered my beautiful angel baby boy Diego at 35weeks born sleeping. I held him for 3 days and never wanted to let go, my perfect baby how could this happen. You must be too good for this world. I had family and friends come see us in the hospital and then came time to leave without my baby and hand him over to the medical staff , the next time I saw him was at his funeral, I didn’t want to say good bye no parent should have to outlive their kids. I felt robbed. I started the doubt thoughts and they didn’t stop, “what have I done to deserve this?” The grief is so raw and so very hard, between the anger, hate, sadness, regret and then trying to anything to stop crying it wouldn’t work. The hospital midwives and obstericians were absolutly amazing I had no idea about angel boxes and the heartfelt foundation. I received an angel box to be able to keep sakes in and helpful little things that you just don’t think of. The heartfelt foundation came out and took professional photos of us and provided everything they took.
I have never stopped thinking of him, every second of everyday his with me. Some days are harder than others, as I cry writing this I can still think of him and remember how precious he is and always will be.
2 months later I find out I was pregnant again. Again I had hyperemesis and was monitored very closely. At 27 weeks I then got rushed to hospital for placenta previa grade 4, I wasn’t allowed into natural labor and the thoughts of loosing another baby were so intense. Then I felt a kick 5mins before arriving at the hospital. I didn’t know that night would be the first night in a 3 month hospital stay. During that stay I had to advocate that I get very strong gut feelings and my gut knew when something good or bad was going to happen and I pleaded with the doctors and midwives to listen to me if they didn’t get my baby out before 35weeks he would pass away like my first baby. We all came to an agreement constant monitoring and planned c-section at 35 weeks and 2 days in 2015. After 6mass bleeds and nearly 3months in hospital over 1hr away from home came the day I had my small rainbow baby boy. I had begged for Diego to watch over him and please make sure his little brother can stay here with me, and he did. I felt like Diego was watching over us every step of the way.
Going forward to 2016 I find out I'm pregnant again and again hyperemesis kicked in, I was scared and worried but also very hopeful as I researched what's the risk of 2 stillborn babies and that’s very rare. I had immediate appointments and lots of scans and ultrasounds. Bubs was measuring small but I was reassured I may just have small babies. 2 days after an ultrasound I woke up early morning and something felt off I was only 24weeks and 3days along, I tried to get bubs to move, cold drink, hot drink, food etc. But only felt a slight wave. I called the hospital in tears scared and freaking out but trying to be positive. The midwife who answered the phone was the same midwife that helped me when I had my angel Diego. She said” Come straight in we will check and monitor.” I then drove myself to the hospital thinking positive “its going to be a quick check, everything will be ok im worrying for nothing.” I was a few Kms from the hospital and a pain hit my tummy was hard, OH NO somethings wrong. I got to the main entrance of the hospital locked my car, could barely walk. I got to birthsuits and was taken straight into the assessments room. Blood tests and ultrasounds were done very quickly. Pains getting worse, partner was called to come in because bubs had to be delivered straight away she was showing to be stressed. When he arrived we agreed on a VBAC, the OB and midwife left to prepare things to induce and the door closes and I scream somethings wrong. I had started to bleed, VBAC went out the window . They then prepared theater for me to have csection. What felt like only a few minutes went by when The OB and midwife came to give me the drink before csection and did final ultrasound and the room froze and went silent. I looked at the OB and midwife and said shes gone isnt she, they nodded their heads and said im so sorry. The tears didn’t stop my heart had been shattered again I didn’t know how I would recover from now loosing another beautiful baby. A couple of minutes went be of crying and the realisation and then my angel girl didn’t want to goto heaven with out me. I was then rushed to theater when I became concious and said to my partner her name is Doraylce, you choose her middle name. Then the pain got worse and I screamed get her out, make it stop. Then I woke up in recovery and was taken to where my partner and angel baby girl was in birthsuits. I was in denial, I didn’t want to touch her I wasn’t ready, I was confused. This must be such a nightmare.
These angel boxes are amazing, there is support out there and your not alone.
I had angels boxes, heartfelt photos and castings of my babies hands and feet a swell as fingerprints done.
The grief that was felt through myself to my partner, family and friends is all so very different, everyone grieves differently. Some people don’t know how to, some cant, some stay busy, some shut down, some are angry.
I have learnt how to live life with this grief, I am still grieving and will be until the day I'm with my babies again
Diana Middleton
0435 452 146
I was offered so many times to hold her. I wasn’t ready to face her because I felt I was a faliure. I had failed as a parent to keep her safe. In the middle of that night I looked at the cuddle cot, pulled it closer then touched her, I held her and couldn’t believe its happened again. This time my grief felt different I felt like I had completely shut off from feeling things. I then begged for Diego to please look after his baby sister Doralyce until I get there one day, mummy will for ever love you. We received an agel baby girl memory box for my beautiful Doralyce. Again these boxes are amazing and have things that help through the grief and to keep forever. Heartfelt foundation came out and took photos again this time we had my rainbow baby boy who knew she was his little sister. 3 days later came that same walk out of the hospital without my baby girl. The hardest thing is to leave without your baby and to go home where every little thing remindes me of my babies.
A few years later in 2020 I had another surprise I was pregnant again, this time I was directly under the head OB at the tertiary hospital, straight away all the appointments and tests started no hyperemesis this time, that felt weird. Half way through bubs is doing so great. Then at 24 weeks I get an ultrasound and bubs isn't growing normally. A lot more monitoring and even the offer for me to stay in hospital until I deliver. Being the start of the pandemic, no visitors were allowed. I did do a 5night stay at the hospital to be safe as my gut was telling me something. My OB went on leave so I was then in the care of his second in charge, the aim was to get me to 36weeks, I was so very hopeful. At 34 weeks I saw the OB for a planned appointment and then the head OB had told her deliver bubs at 35weeks 4 days, he didn’t want to risk going further. The csection was booked in and all I had to do was keep bubs there until then. Csection day came and now I have 2 rainbow babies being looked over by their angel brother Diego and angel sister Doraylce.